Former petroleum minister calls from rented London flat

It's 8pm in a rented apartment in central London.

All is quiet here save for the rustle of handbag pockets as the former petroleum resources minister of the Ofodua Kingdom, Nsan Madubuko, rummages for her cellphone, removes the wig from her bald pate and places same on the dining room table.

Her make-up is all messed up and her nails haven’t seen fresh paint in a long while.

She appears the shadow of the beautiful minister who ran Ofodua aground between 2011 and 2015 under an Ovaarnong (King) who was often described as ‘clueless’ in the local press.

Mrs. Madubuko looks in palpable pain; whether from talking to a battery of lawyers back home in Ofodua or here in the UK, she can’t say for sure.

But she’s had almost 100 lawyers on speed dial now since Ovaarnong Jumbo was unseated by Ovaarnong Bambiala in a keenly contested election in March of 2015.

Madubuko fled Ofodua Kingdom, ironically on the same plane with the new Ovaarnong--who was also visiting the UK at the time from Ofodua.

Madubuko hasn’t returned to Ofodua since that trip because she reads every day in the Ofodua press that she’ll be arrested for corruption as soon as she sets foot in her homeland.

“Damn them!! Damn everyone…damn the Ofodua financial crimes commission…”, she yells in this London apartment, to no one in particular.

As the tears begin to cascade down her once chubby, but now lean cheeks, Madubuko—now very much a fallen beauty or goddess—reaches for her phone and dials Kolawole Opolo and Jide Omoboriowo.

Both men are her business partners…..Or used to be her business partners

Call it a conference call.....

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Madubuko: F***k all of you….I say f***k y’all.

Opolo: Sincerely, I wish you meant that literally.

Madubuko: You are mad and I’m here to tell you.

Omobori: Hahaha. The only mad person here is the one who has “Mad” as first letters in her name and who removes her wig in public to make the world think she’s suffering from cancer.

Madubuko: It is God that will punish the two of you. When I was oil minister, would you dare talk to me like this? Would you? I swerragod…..

Opolo: Oh well, it’s not like we didn’t 'service' you too. It was a mutual, beneficial relationship.

Madubuko: Your father left yansh!

Omobori: The consolation for me is that you can still cuss. Madubuko hasn’t lost all the fire in her belly, thank Goodness! Asampete. Egovin. Omalicha!

Madubuko: Ode! Anyway, straight to business. What’s the environment in Ofodua like now?

Opolo: Don’t even think of returning home, babe. Ever! You’ll be picked up at the airport before the plane even lands and rot in jail for life.

Madubuko: Hmmm. But it’s not as if it’s any better out here in the UK. Law enforcement here keeping an eye on me as well, wherever I go. I miss Ofodua. I miss home.

Omobori: Oh well, better a UK jail than an Ofodua one where you’ll be served hard bread and akara (bean cake) with mosquitoes as cell mates.

Madubuko: Idiot. A jail is a jail.

Omobori: Not really, trust me. Not really. Been there, done that.

Madubuko: So, you guys are saying the coast isn’t clear just yet?

Opolo: Clear fire! You’d better remain holed up in a UK apartment and let the rest of the world think you are battling cancer. Call that journalist, rehire that make-up artist and do another cancer interview and we can help you sell it here as usual.

Omobori: True. As a matter of fact, some jobless Ofoduans commenced a rally for your extradition with the hashtag “Bring Back Madubuko”.

Madubuko: Jesus Christ! I’m not the antichrist! I’m not the first thief to ever come out of Ofodua.

Opolo: But you are a thief? Please leave Jesus out of this. We don fuck up, we don fuck up.

Madubuko: Speak for yourself. I remember warning you, Opolo, to lay low…not to buy a yacht….but no, you wanted to be a big boy. You guys were just buying fancy automobile upandan. Look at us today. Everything has blown up in my face. I warned you two to be discreet, to behave like you aren’t making obscene money, but no one was listening. Today, I Madubuko, is the bad person. The thunder that will fire you two is still doing press up.

Opolo: Look, we tried to keep a low profile. But money…kai…money…when you become illicitly rich, man, it’s difficult, trust me.

Madubuko: Oh well, See where all that flaunting of wealth has landed us.

Omobori: Time to stop crying. What’s the plan to get you out of this?

Madubuko: Well, I just hired my 30th lawyer in the UK.

Opolo: Na wa. Only you?

Madubuko: Idiot. I need more lawyers to stop the seizure of my houses here.

Opolo: But you sef, Madubuko, how many houses did you plan on living in? You are just one person na. More than 20 houses in Ofodua, choice estates home and abroad. Na wa! Even Yokozuna...

Madubuko: When I was sending the two of you money to purchase the houses, did you ever say no?  Besides, it’s called having multiple streams of income. Don’t see the problem with that.

Omobori: Well, we were obeying Madam’s orders, in our defense. I can’t see how that’s a bad thing too.

(Silence envelopes the room before Madubuko clears her throat).

Madubuko: How many houses have they seized in Ofodua now?

Opolo: All the property in your name and those we bought through aliases, cronies, have been seized by the Ofodua crimes commission. All!

Madubuko: Chineke muo!!! (begins to cry so loud, the building quakes) Am I the only person to have stolen in Ofodua? Why all this? Why? Some of the property, I purchased from my legitimate earnings. Why are they seizing everything? Why? Which kind of wickedness is this? Some are legitimate investments….like the tower in Pineapple Island…..

Omobori: We are sorry. But at least you still have the houses in the UK and US....

Madubuko: They just seized all the property in UK today.

Opolo: Wow!!! All?

Madubuko: Yep. The property in Regents Park and Buckinghamshire, were frozen under the Proceeds of Crime Act, an order that was handed down by a London court in September 2016.

Omobori: But you still dey lie sha. The house in Pineapple Island is valued at $37.5M. You said you acquired it from legitimate earnings. How much did you earn as a minister in more than eight years? Make we dey try talk true sometimes. Eye wey dey cry, still dey see road. Small small, abeg.

(Long silence)

Madubuko: You are mad for even asking that question. Can’t a sugar mummy lie to her sons again in peace? You are very mad! All of you....Mad! Mad!! Mad!!!

Opolo: Hey guys, let’s get serious please. We are here to solve a problem. So, where are you resting that your bald head now that all the property in the UK have been seized?

Madubuko: I’m making this call from a rented flat, guys. I had to beg them to allow me rent a flat from my own houses! Can you imagine? Me who owns homes and property round the world, now squatting in a dingy London apartment (begins to wail loudly). What did I do to deserve this?

Opolo: You stole, perhaps?

Madubuko: Oriye ti baje (your head is not alright)! Eyes like Opolo (frog)! We! Guys, WE stole. We all stole. All of us are in this together.

Omobori: Speak for yourself.

Madubuko: We are all in this together.

Opolo: No we are not. You gave the orders, we obeyed them. We were in business. We carried out crude oil swap deals as the market dictated. We had no idea you were shortchanging the Ofodua government.

Madubuko: Oho! Is that what you plan on telling the Judge? Kai. This life is cruel…I gave you everything, guys…everything…now you treat me like this? Like a piece of shit? Is this how you show gratitude? Is this how you repay faith and…..

Hello…hello…Opolo….Omobori….

(Opolo and Omoboriowo have since hung up).

(Madubuko walks briskly to the wine bar and pours for herself a generous portion of Scotch whiskey).

Madubuko: Thunder will fire you two…Thunder will fire you two…..The law will also catch up with you….

She hollers to no one in particular as curtains fall….

PS: Similarities of characters in this piece to people living or dead, or to actual places in the real world, is purely coincidental.